This is such a harsh realization. I’m sitting here now in my dining room, looking at past loves. Well, just one. Where did time go? Has it really been 8 years? Where have those years gone? I’m still in the same place I was before. Still thinking of what could have been. I think I might be just a little bit crazy.
There are so many experiences I would have never experienced if not for you. My life would have been completely different. I don’t think I would’ve felt that joy, wanting, love that I did. I don’t think I would’ve survived. Because this is a cruel world, and you are the epitome of beauty. Your voice, laugh, singing, art, words, everything. I will never forget. You gave me something to believe in. You made me believe in myself.
Every single thing I do reminds me of you. It’s not like I want you to be there. It just feels like there’s a void in my life. Why are you so important to me? You introduced me to all of my favorite music. You introduced me to this thing called art. You liked that I was myself. You made me like myself. It took a long time to get you to warm up to me. And when you finally did, it was the best feeling in the world. Such a hard challenge, but so worth it. You’ve inspired me to think outside of the box. You’ve inspired me to want more. You’ve inspired me.
I never felt anything like this before, nor have I after. I’m not really sure what it is or was, but it damn sure made an impact. I know that I can never completely love someone like I was able to before. I know that I can never look at someone more adoringly. I know that I can never find anyone as attractive, smart, and beautiful. You encompass all of these traits. You made me forget every horrible thing that has ever happened. You made me feel safe. And human. I felt like I had someone that I could always depend on. Someone that I loved, and loved me back. You said you loved me unconditionally. And I know that you did. Best. Feeling.
Now I sit here, by myself. 5 years, almost 6. Thinking about the past. Just wondering what could have been. Then I realize, nothing could have been. I wasn’t who I claimed to be, and you were too good for me. Time makes things different. We move on, we forget. Why haven’t I moved on? Why haven’t I forgotten? I guess it meant more to me than it did you. Do I ever cross your mind? Do you remember our endless conversations? All of our chats? Those nights when all I would do is stay up and talk to you? Those nights where I didn’t want you to go to bed because I’d miss your voice over the phone? When I’d listen to you sleep and you crept into my dreams? Because I do. I remember it all. I shouldn’t, no. It’s not good for my heart or mind, but you stole both long ago. Now I feel like a fucking fag, and I mostly am. Holding onto memories that will never be more. Holding on to a name, a face, that I used to love. That won’t ever be the same again. Because we are ever changing, this is true. I just wish that we changed together, and not apart. Because I do miss. Everything.